I want to fuck.

When I say I want to fuck I mean I really REALLY want to fuck. I want to fuck and suck and roll around and get sweaty and dirty and in general, enjoy my body and it’s physicality. Yet, I don’t. I don’t really do any of those things because I’m stuck in this female body. I want to feel his hands pushing and pulling at me. I want to feel bodies sliding against one another all angles and curves mixing with tautness of muscle and softness of skin. I want the smell of raw, powerful sex to fill my senses and I want to shut my brain off and let my body do it’s thing.

I feel that but for this damned body, I could do those things. I hesitate being naked in front of people because I am ever reminded that the vision I see of me in my head, doesn’t even come close to matching what the world sees.
I am all curves and softness, not flat planes and wiry muscles. My chest is heavy with two breasts that I neither need nor want. The space where my legs join is hollow and receiving. Even my hips betray my biological sex with their gentle swell instead of unremarkable narrowing.

The guy I saw last night, last week, last month. The cute one with the bubble butt, or dreamy eyes, or beautiful smile, will see me at first as I see myself. If the clothes come off however, it is then he will see how my body has betrayed me, continues to betray me.

If I’m lucky, or smart, or well prepared, we will have already spoken about that reality and there will be no shock. If I have been afraid, or less than careful…the shock may torpedo any further intimacy.

Not disclosing soon enough may get me badly hurt or even killed. Disclosing early may get me politely shut down or rejected.

I walk a tightrope in which I balance the need for physical deception with emotional honesty.

When, where, how? I wish I had the answers

    • Britney
    • January 14th, 2012

    I feel very much the same way…although opposite in the sense that I am transitioning the other way. I feel the same though as in, I crave intimacy yet, when it comes time to or even when dating, I tend to not let it happen because of how my body looks and fear of what whoever I’m with will think of me. Will they be disgusted? Turned off? Say no?

    It is getting a little better with time (HRT and stuff) and also with little cognitive changes that I am making. Like just feeling overall better about myself. One thing I do is instead of looking in the mirror and saying ohh, look at that, i hate that, and that is embarrassing, and i hope he doesn’t try to touch me there…blah blah blah.. I try to say ok well today my hair looks really cute, or I did an awesome job on my eyebrows, or this outfit makes me look really pretty today.

    Little flips like that like focusing on the positives has helped me 🙂

  1. Wow, Wes, what a post. At first I have to admit one of my thoughts was “Okay, this is too personal for a public blog,” but I believe that it it well written and also that it can help a lot of other people who feel very very similarly when it comes to dating and their body-image. I must admit that I know about as much about trans issues as I do about neurosurgery, but what I do know is that I am privileged to know you and to have you as my friend.

    I would say that Britney’s comment about finding positives about yourself could be quite helpful, but also exuding confidence that you are an exceptional person. And, again, I am not an expert on dating, but I would think that being honest from the very get-go would be the way to go, rather than hanging out for 3 hours and then possibly being emotionally hurt when it may become physical…

    Love ya Wes!

    • In the spirit of honesty, anything that’s gone up on here is up for public consumption, no matter how personal it may seem. Thanks for the reply 🙂

  2. This might sound horribly uneducated, but that isn’t deliberate, and I know I probably won’t get the terms right:

    I have never read, heard or spoken to a person waiting for transition who after transition will identify as a homosexual in his new body. All of the cases I’ve known have been women who initially identified as lesbian, until they realized they actually had to transition and identify as heterosexual in their new body.

    I am enlightened.

    You and I haven’t spoken face to face in a long while because of my family’s difficult year with illness, but hopefully that can change. I’m tired of being insular, but it’s how I badly handle stress.

    • Not horrible. Uneducated perhaps, but so are lots of people who don’t know everything, no shame in that. I have always loved men, I ended up identifying as stone lesbian because it was the closest type of person I could find who seemed to experience the world and think like I do, not because I liked only women. I have always loved men and while I find women quite amicable as well, what really turns my crank is the boys both before and since I’ve started hormones.

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