Posts Tagged ‘ biological sex ’

Disclosure

I want to fuck.

When I say I want to fuck I mean I really REALLY want to fuck. I want to fuck and suck and roll around and get sweaty and dirty and in general, enjoy my body and it’s physicality. Yet, I don’t. I don’t really do any of those things because I’m stuck in this female body. I want to feel his hands pushing and pulling at me. I want to feel bodies sliding against one another all angles and curves mixing with tautness of muscle and softness of skin. I want the smell of raw, powerful sex to fill my senses and I want to shut my brain off and let my body do it’s thing.

I feel that but for this damned body, I could do those things. I hesitate being naked in front of people because I am ever reminded that the vision I see of me in my head, doesn’t even come close to matching what the world sees.
I am all curves and softness, not flat planes and wiry muscles. My chest is heavy with two breasts that I neither need nor want. The space where my legs join is hollow and receiving. Even my hips betray my biological sex with their gentle swell instead of unremarkable narrowing.

The guy I saw last night, last week, last month. The cute one with the bubble butt, or dreamy eyes, or beautiful smile, will see me at first as I see myself. If the clothes come off however, it is then he will see how my body has betrayed me, continues to betray me.

If I’m lucky, or smart, or well prepared, we will have already spoken about that reality and there will be no shock. If I have been afraid, or less than careful…the shock may torpedo any further intimacy.

Not disclosing soon enough may get me badly hurt or even killed. Disclosing early may get me politely shut down or rejected.

I walk a tightrope in which I balance the need for physical deception with emotional honesty.

When, where, how? I wish I had the answers

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